I wish I could have told you
How and when they crossed the line
When I became a piece of meat
On which they tried to dine
But I learned from experience
That you never took my side
That you always tried to blame me
As if I had something to hide
You should have been my comfort
It should have made you mad
Because I was a victim
Because it made me sad
Instead I kept it quiet
The way you taught me to
For fear that you would blame me
Just like you used to do
###
Of course I don't know how you would have reacted because I was too scared to tell you. Too afraid you would try to shame me and say that it must have been something I did, or said, or wore. Or maybe even just "my vibe." Sometimes I did play a part as a people pleaser or because I was totally caught off guard and didn't know how to react. Because I was scared of the consequences if I made the wrong person mad. My weakness is that I see the good in everybody and it makes it hard for me to process when good people do bad things. But the world isn't black-and-white and while I will always see the good first, I realize I cannot be this naive. Nor can I let it harden me the way that heartbreak has hardened you.
As I write this I realize that this is how young girls feel when they are taken advantage of. When they don't say anything for 20 years.
I can only wish that I could talk to you at this point because you aren't even here for me to talk to about this. Maybe one day you will hear my story without judgment or shame.
(I have very supportive parents whom I feel I can share most things with but not everyone has that.)
Note: I am lucky that I am not a victim of sexual assault but I, like most women, have had many #metoo moments of harassment or inappropriate actions/words. What I do see are men, often times men in power, who take advantage of women or read into friendliness as a sign that she wants to sleep with them. I am always disappointed when men cross a line and I might tell close female friends but I rarely tell men because, in my experience, they never understand or they assume the woman invited it (this is just my experience I know there are tons of awesome men out there who are "woke"). During this last year, as I beat myself up in therapy over every single thing I may have done wrong, I realized that I have to forgive myself for when I was too friendly (people pleaser!) or even subconsciously flirtatious with men. It's something I am still working on because my intention isn't to flirt, it is to show the person I am paying attention and that is sometimes misread. Unfortunately, I am uncomfortable with confrontation when it comes to inappropriate behavior but it does not mean that men have permission to touch me, proposition me or even talk sexually to me. I know it's a fine line but I think the best thing a man can do is ask. If the answer is no, or of the person is married, then do not persist. And, men, if you are married, please, leave your wife if you are looking outside of the marriage. Even if you don't love her anymore, she deserves more. And that person you're propositioning or touching or talking inappropriately to? She deserves more, too.
